Analog-Theater 2.0

As promised and better late then never, here is the first post of the lamest movies you don’t need to watch.

This weeks movie was Vampirella, a 1996 film starring Talisa Soto (from such movies as Spy Hard, Mortal Kombat, and Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever) in the title role. Robert Daltrey played the antagonist Vlad aka Johnny Blood (an later went on to play in Dark Prince: The True Story of Dracula) and Richard Joseph Paul played the Adam Van Helsing.

The movie starts out on the planet Drakulon where criminal Vlad kills Ella’s father and escapes with his assistants. At five minutes into the movie, it was so painful to watch I needed aspirin. Robert Daltrey was overacting while his costars didn’t have a clue how to act.

Ella follows them to Earth, but she ends up missing Earth and landing on Mars where she waits for centuries until a shuttle from Earth to go there and she sneaks aboard. Meanwhile Vlad and his gang have had centuries on Earth to prepare. Vlad takes the only disguise that makes sense and becomes rock and roll singer Johnny Blood. Why does this sound familiar?

Lestat, I mean Vlad, is also the head of a secret organization of vampires that have launched several satellites into space that will simulate a nuclear winter.

Ella, now called Vampirella, is hunting down Vlad and his men. One of them, Demos, has left the group and is now a college professor with a family. After visiting him, she learns about Vlad’s new identity.

Vampirella is not the only person hunting Vlad, Adam Van Helsing, agent of PURGE, is also on his tail. He mistakes Vampirella for one of Vlad’s group. Vlad thinks that she is with PURGE. Vlad escapes PURGE and Adam realizes that Vampirella wants the same thing PURGE does.

The two of them team up and go after Vlad. Vlad captures them and like any aspiring supreme evil overlord, he locks them in a cell together. He also steals Vampirella’s blood serum so that she will have no choice but to feed on Adam. Adam gives her just enough blood to survive and the two of them break out and stop Vlad before his army of vampires take over the world. In the end Vampirella fights Vlad and impales him with a metal rod which attracts a lightning bolt that kills him.

The movie itself is based off of a series of comic books. Like most movies based on comics, it was nowhere near as good.

One of the few changes that surprised me was the costume. Her outfit in the movie is different from the one she wears in the comics. The one in the comics is also the same one that the models wear at the conventions and for the photo covers they used to do, so I know that there is a real vampirella costume. I just don’t know why they didn’t use it.

Over all the acting was pathetic, the plot was cliche, and the special effects were mediocre. I give this movie 1 banana which will now be my new rating system for movies.