Analog-Theater 2.0

Last night I decided to punish myself by watching Star Wars Episode 1. Now I like Star Wars, the original three. I like some of the novels that are out there. Bounty Hunter Wars, Crimson Empire and Shadow of the Empire are my favorites. What surprises me is that they can take a great established universe and ruin it.

My torment started a few minutes into the movie when Jar Jar Binks first opened his mouth. It was a sign that the election process does work (at least when Bush isn’t involved) when he was voted the most annoying film character of all time. Too make things worse, you can’t kill him because he would probably do the Obi Wan trick and come back as a ghost.

Aside from Jar Jar, they decided that the force was no longer some mystical force that flows through the universe like Obi Wan told Luke in A New Hope, now it was a bacteria that was in your body called metaclorians.

Something that continues to amaze me everytime I see the film is when Qui Gon says that Anakin Skywalker has all that metaclorian and then he ask his mom who his father was and she says there was no father. They think that he is something even more special. Where did those metaclorians come from? If they came from Anakin then there is something wrong with that since wasn’t even around before his mother got pregnant. Maybe his mom has so much metaclorian that she get get pregnant by herself? I give up. I’m not even going to try to apply logic to this.

I was surprised that they didn’t try to force Han Solo and Chewi into the film. Especially after Anakin conveniently built C3P0. The character served no purpose in the film except to show that he was there.

The only thing I liked about this movie was Queen Amidala. I like Natalie Portman. I would give up being a jedi for her, too.

For those of you who don’t know the plot for the movie, let me save you the trouble of watching it.

The Trade Federation has decided to attack the planet Naboo. Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi Wan go to conduct peace talks with them. As soon as they are onboard, the Trade Federation decides to do something extremely stupid. They try to kill them. Qui-Gon and Obi Wan escape to Naboo and meet Jar Jar.

Queen Amidala is captured by the Trade Federatio and the two jedi rescue her. They decided to go to Coruscant to see the Senate. On they way they are forced to land on Tatooine because their hyperdrive breaks. They try to buy a new one, but they don’t have any money. That’s when they meet Anakin. They decide to bet on Anakin in a pod race, which of course Anakin wins. Since he has so much metaclorin that logic no longer applies, they take him with them to train as a jedi.

Before they can leave Tatooine, they are attacked by Darth Maul, a sith. Qui-Gon fights him and then escapes. Once they reach Coruscont, they tell the council all about it and Yoda and Mace are worried.

Amidala goes to the Senate and under the advice of Palpatine, she moves for a vote of no confidence against the current Chancellor. This move makes it possible for Palpatine to try to take over.

Fed up with politics, Amidala and the gang go back to Naboo to fight the Trade Federation. They enlist the help of the Gungans (Jar Jar’s race) to battle the Trade Federation’s dollar store droid army.

The battle takes place, The gungans throw water balloons at the droids and hold them off for a while. Meanwhile Amidala and gang break into the palace and hunt for the viceroy, the leader of the Federation. During the fighting, Qui-Gon tells Anakin to hide somewhere safe. Now that’s good parenting for you. Lets take the 9 year old boy with us when we attack the palace. And what safe place does this boy find? Why the cockpit of a fighter. The ships autopilot takes him the battle in orbit where he naturally takes out the command ship and saves the day.

Meanwhile, Qui-Gon and Obi Wan bump into Darth Maul again. He kills Qui-Gon only to be killed by Obi Wan.

Amidala and her men manage to defeat the viceroy and save her people.

During the funeral for Qui-Gon, Yoda and Mace talk about the Sith. Yoda says that there are always two, a master and an apprentice. If I was a sith I’d wouldn’t limit my army to just two people. I’d start serious recruiting.

The one thing I forgot to mention was about Anakin supposed to bring balance to the force. Okay, the force is nice and all and the jedi are supposed to be good. What does bring balance mean? To balance it out? To balance out all the good? To balance something you need to put something on the other side of the scale. And whats the opposite of good? How about evil? And these supposedly wise men never thought of that.

I give this movie zero bananas.