Analog-Theater 2.0

Okay, so you cast Arnold Swartzeneger, Uma Thurman, George Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, and Alicia Silverstone in a further installment of a very successful movie based on a successful franchise. You have Joel Schumacher direct it and give Elle Macpherson a bit part. What do you get? You would assume a blockbuster since you have an all start cast, a solid franchise, and a good director, but instead we get Batman and Robin, the movie that killed the series.

Val Kilmer, who played Batman in the previous movie, did not come back for Batman and Robin. Instead, he went to play Simon Templar in the Saint where he earned three times what Warner Bros was offering him for Batman and Robin. Kilmer apparently felt much like Michael Keaton did when he retired from playing Batman, that Batman was being marginalized in favor of other characters.

So, here is the plot. The film opens with Batman and Robin (Clooney and O’Donnell) in the batcave getting ready to go and stop Mr. Freeze (the Governator) who is robbing stealing diamonds from a museum. Batman and Robin face off against Freeze’s henchmen on an ice rink. Lucky for them, they have retractable ice skates in their boots, I mean doesn’t everyone have them? Batman and Mr. Freeze fight in a rocket, which Freeze naturally brings with him on heists. Freeze also reveals that he’s addicted to bad, cold related puns. Freeze bails out, leaving Batman trapped in the rocket. Robin saves the day and they go after Freeze to get the diamonds back. Freeze freezes Robin and says that Batman has only eleven minutes to thaw him or he’ll die. Batman chooses to save Robin instead of catching the crook.

Meanwhile in South America, we are introduced to the unattractive Pamela Isley (Thurman), a botanist working for an insane boss played by John Glover. Pamela discovers that her boss is using her research in plant/animal hybrids to develop a supersoldier. They brought in a scrawny soldier and put him in a machine where they pumped him full of the serum. When the soldier came out, he had grown a foot and gained over two hundred pounds of muscle. The insane scientist named his creation Bane.

Now here is the worst portrayal of a comic book character. In the comics, Bane was the ultimate villain. He was as cunning as he was strong. He broke all the criminals out of Arkham Asylum and only after Batman was exhausted from hunting them down did he come out of the shadows and broke Batman’s back. In the movie, Bane is a mindless brute who his almost incapable of speech and works as Poison Ivy’s sidekick.

Back to the movie, Pamela’s spying does not go undetected. The insane guy, I don’t remember his name nor do I care enough to look it up, chases after her when she runs. When he catches her, he pours a bunch of toxins and chemicals on her and she melts into the ground.

A week later she comes back as Poison Ivy and she reveals that her kisses are poisonous when she gives her boss a kiss. The chemicals also changed her from an unattractive scientist into a supposedly hot, red haired psychopath. Parents, this is why all those chemicals should be kept out of reach of children. Ivy and Bane decided to kill off all the human life on Earth so that the plants can take over.

Meanwhile, back at Freeze’s secret hideout, Freeze’s henchmen are forced to endure extreme air conditioning. Freeze’s thermostat goes to subzero temperatures. And that’s not all, they are forced to sing along with old claymation Christmas specials. Okay all you supreme evil overlords out there, if your henchmen are willing to put up with this type of abuse, it’s a sign that you should find new henchmen. In one room in Freeze’s hideout, Freeze has his wife in cryogenic stasis. He reveals that he is only stealing diamonds to find a cure for his wife’s fatal illness.

Barbara, Alfred’s niece, shows up at Wayne Manor for a surprise visit. Bruce invites her to stay until she has to return to college. We also find out that Alfred has been hiding the fact that he is dying from everyone. He coincidentally enough has the same illness that Freeze’s wife has.

Bruce and his currently girlfriend, Julia (Macpherson), attend a press conference where Bruce unveils his new telescope that uses satellites to give them a view of the sky everywhere around the Earth. Pamela shows up and asks why Bruce doesn’t use his money to protect the ecosystems instead of building telescopes. The reporter there says that Batman and Robin protect them, even from crumbling ecosystems. Time to go see Batman 15: Batman vs Deforestation.

Later that evening there is a ball where they are having a bachelorette auction. The lady with the highest bid will win the Wayne diamonds. Batman and Robin are making an appearance at the auction. Someone in a gorilla suit shows up and it turns out to be none other then Poison Ivy. She blows some pink dust on everyone so that they fall in love with her, even Batman and Robin. They she does her best Mae West impression and invites everyone to bid on her. Both Batman and Robin get involved in the bidding and Batman wins.

Just then, Mr. Freeze shows up at the ball and steals the diamonds. Batman and Robin chase after him. Robin is on his motorcycle driving across the hand of a giant statue about to make a jump to catch Mr. Freeze with Batman in the batmoble right behind him. Now where do you get statues that big where you can have a car and a motorcycle drive across the hand and gain enough speed to make a jump? Batman shuts down Robin’s bike and makes the jump himself and catches Mr. Freeze.

When they get back to the Batcave, Bruce and Dick have an argument. Dick says that the partnership won’t work because Bruce doesn’t trust him.

Dick follows Barbara to a motorcycle race where she’s been racing. He joins the race and saves Barbara when she fall off the edge. She reveals that she’s been racing to earn enough money to save Alfred from having to work for Bruce and him and that he’s dying.

Poison Ivy and Bane break Mr. Freeze out of prison and they decide to team up. Batman and Robin go to Mr. Freeze’s hideout and find Poison Ivy there. She uses her dust on them again and they start fighting each other while she and Bane escape, but not before unplugging the machine that’s keeping Freeze’s wife alive.

Ivy and Bane steal the batsignal and uses it to lure Batman and Robin into a trap. Robin goes in alone and Ivy reveals Mr. Freeze’s plan to use Wayne’s satellites to freeze Gotham City. Ivy kisses Robin, but it turns out that Robin is wearing rubber lips to protect him from the poison. She traps Robin in her vines and then traps Batman when he shows up. Then Batgirl shows up and saves them.

The Dynamic Trio go after Mr. Freeze who is trying to hack Wayne’s satellite telescope to freeze Gotham as an act of revenge for Batman killing his wife (which is what Poison Ivy told him). Batgirl and Robin defeat Bane and Batman defeats Mr. Freeze and plays back a recording of what Poison Ivy said when he revealed that she killed Freeze’s wife.

Batgirl uses her computer skills to unfreeze Gotham and almost everyone lives happily ever after. Alfred is cured, since Mr. Freeze gave Batman his research on the disease. Batgirl joins the caped crusaders. And Mr. Freeze becomes Poison Ivy’s new cellmate. Coed prisons?

The End, thank goodness. Now let’s pray that the new Batman series doesn’t become this bad.

Aside from the anatomically correct costumes, the bad puns, the complete disregard for the characters there are two things that killed this movie. First is that Tim Burton, the originally directer left the crew, well he didn’t direct the previous one either and it was lame, too. Tim Burton was the one that directed the first two movies (which were good). The second was pointed out by Joel Schumacher when they put the movie out on DVD. He said that the producers forced him to add gadgets that they could market in the toy line and to make the movie more “kid friendly”. I guess that explains the giant statues and neon face paint. It doesn’t explain the bad script, though. The plot was convoluted and the dialog was campy. The casting didn’t help much. I think that Arnold was not a good choice for Mr. Freeze. I like Arnold. He’s a good actor. I loved him in the Terminator movies. But he just didn’t do a good Mr. Freeze. I’m glad they didn’t cast the other two actors they were considering (Patrick Stewart and Robin Williams). I’m trying to think of a good choice they could have considered and the best I can come up with right now are Johnny Depp and the guy who played Q on Star Trek. But they would still need a better script writer.

I give this movie zero bananas.