Analog-Theater 2.0

Okay, here is how you survive the end of the Mayan long count calendar.  When the Earth aligns with the black hole in the center of the galaxy and the gravitational forces cause the planet to slow (which is a. impossible and b. impossible), you need to go to Mexico.  If you are not with in driving distance of Mexico, you can fly there.  But you have to take a small single engine, 2 seat airplane, anything else and you won’t survive the eight hurricanes in the hemisphere that suddenly formed.  Once you are in Mexico, you need to find a woman that’s nine months pregnant and doesn’t speak much English and kidnap her.  Oh yeah, if you’re an atheist you need to team up with ultrareligious person and if you’re ultrareligious you need to team up with an atheist.  Now, as you are making your way to Mayan temple where they found crucifix with the body of Jesus (not just a regular cross, the cross and body) that was seal there by Mayans in pre-Columbian times, you will probably experiance the Rapture (ie, the ultrareligious person will just disappear, hopefully they were not still flying the airplane when it happens).  Now, if the religious person in the team is not religious enough, then the atheist will get killed by a freak hail storm.  I don’t make the rules, I just write them as I see them.  Once you get the impossible artifact (the crucifix, did I mention you need to take that will you to Mexico?) back to the temple, a wall will open and behind it is an altar.  You have to deliver the baby on the altar and that will stop the end of the world.

Also, if you live on the west coast of the US, you should get out of there because when the world eventually stops, all the water will keep moving and pile up there, but no where else.  Everyone in London, get out of there before the city burns down.  Jerusalem will get hit by an Earthquake.  And it will snow in Mexico.

That was 2012: Doomsday.  Now, I’m not an expert in ancient Mayan writings, but did they have any symbol that is understood to mean Christ?  There was one in the movie.

Going back to the black hole.  For a black hole to exert enough pull on the Earth to slow it’s rotation, it’s going to have to be a lot closer.  It will also probably pull the outer planets out of orbit.

All in all, this movie was bad.  The characters were one dimensional (some were two dimensional) .  The plot made no sense.  The acting was mediocre when it wasn’t bad.  The science was implossible (I like the science in the Day After Tomorrow better).  Combining the Rapture with 2012 was interesting, but it was not very well done.   Additionally, I noticed the name of the studio was Faith Films so I am wondering if there was supposed to be some moral or hidden agenda behind the film since the end of the movie had some deeply religious undertones, overtones, and the scripture just before the closing the credits.

I’m giving this movie -2 bananas.

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